How to Survive a Horror Movie

Are you reading this in a cornfield, at a summer camp, or in an abandoned mental institution? Have you noticed that everything is poorly lit, or that music surges every time you open a door? If the answer is yes, you’re probably trapped in a horror movie. But don’t freak out—just read this book! With it you will learn how to overcome every obstacle found in scary films, including:

• How to determine what type of horror film you’re trapped in
• The five types of slashers and how to defeat them
• How to handle killer dolls, murderous automobiles, and other haunted objects
• How to deal with alien invasions, zombie apocalypses, and other global threats
• What to do if you did something last summer, if your corn has children in it, or if you suspect you’re already dead

(This book may contain a small, black sharpie mark on the bottom edge, so that it can't be returned to a different wholesaler.)